Glorious Escapism Roleplay

Toutaku · Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 9:21 pm Post subject: Utter Crack RP

[It was a dark and stormy night.

The usual hustle and bustle of The Sorting was mysteriously absent from this years' thronging mass of students. The Golden Trio and their entire year (including some people far too old for high school who decided to re-enrole, take teaching positions and generally just be present in this narrative for NO REASON OTHER THAN THAT THEY WANTED TO) had been called to make up for the entire year lost fighting Mouldy-wart.

The initial surprise-driven silence had been fuelled by Professor Dumbledore's unexpected return. Somehow, in the height of his youth. The now-younger professor had taken great pleasure in describing in vast detail how he had, in his journey to the afterlife, met an oddly magical fellow with interesting facial hair and a plaid shirt, who had decided upon a simple whim to send him back in time physically, and then transport him to a rather busy turning on the M1. Hitch-hiking back to Hogwarts, the wise man had sagely noted, was a great deal easier when you didn't have a face like a dilapidated scrotum.

The hushed tones, however, were in fact caused by the sudden array of interesting new students and staff members standing in a small crowd near the entrance to the Great Hall. Several of the members had grey skin and horns, none of them had been issued uniforms yet, and by Christ there were some sexy motherfuckers present.

As the new students made a disorganised line to be sorted, they were stared at by the inquisitive students. They noted the tall, stoic figure of the man, who had introduced himself as “Rob Graves”, whom they had been told was to take over the Potions department. Obviously too old to be a student, he stood aside from the rest, making a pointed effort not to look too interested in the pale and curvaceous legs of a girl with long black hair and massive boots clearly intended for kicking hobos in.

Smiling like a maniac, Graves caught sight of a seven foot tall grey person with makeup grinning right back at him. Before you could say “homoerotic subtext”, Graves knew he was destined to be this unusual fellow’s best friend forever.

He just knew.

Gamzee Makara, however, was absent-mindedly grinning in such a way because he was daydreaming about his friend Aradia. To be more specific, he was daydreaming about a certain pair of red boyshorts he had been privileged enough to see. Nothing was to distract him from this fantasy. Nothing could.

A little aside from the twelve rather close trolls, a tall, serpentine individual was blushing a delicious shade of green and emanating ‘tsun’ radiation as her diminuitive friend tried for her attention. She folded her arms perhaps tighter than was necessary, and as a result, her rather racy, lacy underwear was completely on show. When her friend Adelia pointed this out, however, she looked sharply to the side and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like: “it’s not like I mind it, but don’t get the wrong idea. It’s not like I wanted you to see or anything…”.

o0o

Unbeknown to the student, staff and ‘other’ inhabitants of Hogwarts, a powerful evil was present that night. A powerful evil that resided in a cute, white, furry body.

Kyuubey. He was coming, and he fully intended to fuck your shit up sideways.

A storm was brewing in England, and not even Mentally Deficient Naked Batman’s ultimate testicular manly power could stop him.

God help us all.]
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"Victims, aren't we all?"

Phil the Time Wizard · Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 11:10 pm Post subject:

Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way looked sexily around the grate hal from the Slitherin table. Thigns were differnt somehow. Everything looked les goffik then how she new it. Thier was so many prepz and she dint c any of her fronds like B'loody Mary Smith, Vampire Potter and Willow. Instead she sawed a bunch of peopel she dint no. Sum of them had gary skin and sexy devil horms at though, so Eboby was sure they was new goffs for her 2 meat.

Ebony was wering a sexy black leather dress with all this corset stuff going up the fornt and back, blod red fishnets, blak combat boots, black eyeliner, black iShadow, blakc lipsthick, and six pears of goffik skull earnings. She wuz lizzening 2 sum MCR on her iPod well she look for someone she new, but sum how it just looked strong.

Maybe she had gone back in tim agin?

-----------------

Kate Loring wasn't entirely sure where she was or what she was doing there. It looked like fucking Hogwarts from fucking Harry Potter. That was impossible though. That was just a best selling novel and film series by some lady in England. Not one that had ever interested Kate much either. Wizards? Really? Come on. Lame. Throw a wizard in a room with a badass like Chuck Norris and what you get is a wizard with a kicked in face, every singly time.

Kate didn't really get it. She also didn't get her current situation. She looked around, looking for someone she might know or at least Daniel Radcliffe. To her surprise, she did see a face she was acquainted with. She ran toward a bespectacled girl her age. She only barely recognized the girl, as she was dressed atypically in black and for some inexplicable reason had pointy dog ears coming out of her head. Kate wasn't entirely sure this was who she thought it was.

"Umm... Jade, is that you?" she asked, approaching the girl.

Jade Harley looked back at her, taking a moment to identify her. "Ah..." she started after several moments, smiling. "You're that blogger girl. Kate, right?"

"That's right! Kate Loring, proprietor of the net's preeminent SBAHJ fan blog," Kate started, with a smile. "Speaking of which, have you spoken to Dave recently?" she added, eyes lighting up. She had met Jade through her blog. She was a close friend of the visionary creator of one of Kate's many passions, the greatest of all web comics, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, Dave Strider. Since Dave had long since blocked Kate on Pesterchum, Kate often attempted to go through his friends for the latest info. This didn't usually succeed so well, but Jade at least was nice to her.

"Er... not really," Jade said, looking confused.

"So, what's up?" Kate asked, a little awkwardly. "How'd you get those adorable doggy ears?"

"It's a long story..." Jade said. "A lot has been happening recently."

"Speaking of which, what has happened?" Kate asked. "Where the fuck are we? It looks like some fucking magic wizard school."

"I'm still not entirely sure," said Jade. "But I can guess at least."

"Yeah?" Kate tilted her head curiously.

"Something, I don't know what or why, has rearranged the fabric of multiple universes and timelines, some of which are fictional, forcing them to intersect, thereby creating an entirely new reality," Jade expand in a low voice.

"What?" Kate started, not completely getting it. "So it's like time travel or something?"

"No. The mechanics are entirely different," Jade said shaking her head. "Furthermore, my power seems to be limited here."

"Power?" Kate questioned. "Are you a wizard?"

"Technically I'm the Witch of Space," Jade said with a nod. "At the point in existence I come from I have a lot of really awesome stuff I can do. I can't access that power here for some reason."

Kate had no clue what Jade was talking about. Space Witches? Seriously, what? She shook her head. "So what do we do about all this then?" she asked.

"It's probably best we just go along with it," said Jade. "I'm sure all will be clear before long." She smiled. "And since this is Harry Potter, I guess we're going to get sorted into houses first."

Kate nodded. She could live with that. Just enjoy this magical wizard land as best as she fucking could. Who knows, maybe it'd be fun?

-------------------------

Nepeta wasn't quite sure what was happening, but she was someplace strange and kind of pretty with her troll friends. A bunch of really weird looking trolls were all around them. They're skin was a very strange color and they had no horns among other things. Nepeta had never seen anything like it.

Nepeta didn't give it much thought though. She was just happy to have so many friends around to play with. She hoped to make lots of new friends!]
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Toutaku · Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 10:37 pm Post subject:

[For the sake or narrative continuity, Professor McGonagall had decided to forgo alphabetical order for the sorting this time round. Retrieving her MagiKindle (parchment was so last year), she looked at the long list of names.

"Anomly Ourobo!" she called, causing the afore-mentioned Tsundere to straighten her back in surprise. Marching over to the rickety stool, many male (and a few female) eyes traced her graceful movements, catcalling and whistling as she went.

It wasn't surprising, really. Tight black denim clung low on curvaceous grey hips, revealing the jade green silk and black lace that made up the racy thong she'd pulled high above her flairs purely to garner such looks. Her prominent, razoresque hip bones only accentuating exactly how low her trousers were. Her crossed arms only pulled the cotton of her shirt up higher and tautened the material over her ample bust.

Taking a seat and plonking the filthy old hat on her head, Anomly glanced over to Adelia and gave a sultry little wave to ease the young Troll's mind as well as her own. She was truly the only friend she had at the moment, despite the addition of more of her species.

"Hmmmm." Said a voice in her head.

"What the grubfucking shitweasles are you!?" Said her mouth.

"Violent, vaguely threatening speech patterns, the willingness to use sex appeal to get what you want, impure thoughts about the same gender and a lust for power only outweighed by your lust for everything else. I know what to do here." The voice carried on.

"Will someone explain why this hat is speaking to me!?" Anomly pleaded.

"SLYTHERIN!" Cried the hat.

"Oh." Said Anomly.

Walking over to the table clad in silver and green, she sat in an empty patch and started cleaning her nails, stealing glances at her Trollita crush as she went.

She hoped they'd get closer as soon as they could.

o0o

"Gamzee Makara!" Cried the old Scot, continuing her list.

The lanky murderbasket walked up to the stool, his seven feet of muscular bean sprout swaying like tiny panties on a washing line. As soon as the Hat managed to fit in between his horns, the cryptic old bastard of an unfashionable head-adornment looked fairly scared and shouted "GRYFFINDOR!". Perhaps it was an intricate plot device designed to effect the future of this roleplay? Perhaps the Sorting Hat was privy to an erotic mind-movie concerning a certain Asian-looking SchoolTroll?

We'll never know.

o0o

Graverobber finished congratulating himself on his clever pseudonym. It was infallible, and undetectable as a lie. He really was a genius!

Walking over to the young (and rather tasty) Shilo, he patted her on the shoulder and smiled widely.

"Hey Kid. Good luck out there, y'hear?" Stroking her back as a show of comfort and reassurance, the wrinkly old Professor called out her Shilo's name. The distraction and startled reaction meant that Graves was able to sneak in a rough squeeze of her bottom without Shilo being able to react very negatively.

Man, being a teacher was just dandy.]
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"Victims, aren't we all?"

Phil the Time Wizard · Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:19 am Post subject:

[Ebnoy watched the sorting sexily. It was gong god it semend, and lots of goffik loking ppl weret being put in slitherin.

Then there was one gurl and she was really pretty. She was wearing really tight bklac pints and a black lacy thog that was vibible and a black t-shit with a cool symbol on it that was probly goffik. She had really goff gry skin and awesome horns in her head and yellow eyes and big bobs and a super sexxy body and everyone was looking at her!

Ebony cundt beleive it! She dint no wot 2 do. She was supposed two b da sexiest gurl in slitherin! Everyone was sposed too only look at her and her sexiness.

The girl sat at the table and then Ebony came. She said, "Hey bich! what da fuck do u fink u r dong? Ho do u fing u r? im supposed ot b da sexxiest gurl in slitherin!"

----------------------------

"Kate Loring!" the old witch played by Maggie Smith next called. The bombastic redhead just shrugged and decided to play along. She moved up to the stool to wear the silly talking hat.

She could feel some eyes on her as she made the walk. She was dressed simply in a white Hella Jeff T-shirt that was pretty tight against her sizable chest and a moderately short skirt with some stockings. She probably looked pretty damn good. Not as hot as that weird gray demon girl who had been called not long ago, but eh, she doubted anyone else here came close to that mark.

She reached the stool and turned around. Before she sat, she looked out at the crowd and struck a silly, energetic victory pose. Sitting down, the hat was then placed atop her head. Kate prepared for the hat to talk to her like it talked to Daniel Radcliffe.

Instead it immediately shouted a single word after two seconds on the girl's head. "HUFFLEPUFF!!!"

Kate gave an inquisitive look. "What the fuck's a hufflepuff?" She heard herself say. "Isn't that a Pokemon or something...."

She gave a long sigh. It was something lame that no one cared about, wasn't it? Feeling somehow disappointed, the explosive redhead moved toward the Hufflepuff table to take a seat.

------------------

"Jade Harley!" Minerva McGonagall next called. Jade got up immediately, really quite eager. She kind of liked Harry Potter. Sure, it could have used more of her favorite anthropomorphic fauna or something, but she had read and enjoyed all the books. Even if she was a little more concerned about the fabric of the universe, the excitement of living out one of her favorite scenes was definitely exciting.

Eagerly, she stepped forward to be sorted. She sat on the stool. The hat was brought toward her.

"RAVENCLAW!!!" the hat shouted while still a good two feet away from the girl.

Jade gave a slight laugh. She wasn't surprised. She always got Ravenclaw on online personality quizzes. She just smiled, stood and moved toward the Ravenclaw table and took a seat.

"Welcome to Ravenclaw>" said the blonde girl she sat next to in a spacey voice. "Jade, was it?"

"That's right," Jade said with a nod, pretty satisfied.

"My name is Luna Lovegood," the girl replied. Jade of course already knew this. "I hope we can be friends."

"I'm sure we will be," Jade replied.

-----------------------

"Nepeta Leijon!" the mean looking old lady in the hat called Nepeta's name now. Nepeta perked up. That meant she was supposed to try on that ugly hat like Gamzee did, right?

She pounced from her seat and, still on all fours, moved liked a cat toward the stool. She sat atop the stool and the hat was placed on her head.

"Hmmm.... Let's see....A brave hunter, cares--"

Nepeta gasped. There was a scary voice in her head.

"GAH! NO! Nepeta will not allow her mind to be taken!" Nepeta shouted out, revealing her claws. She held them to her head, prepared to skewer her own brain until she recalled that that would really hurt.

"Stop... er... what are you doing?"

The voice spoke again. Nepeta gave a cat like hiss as she leapt up, high atop the stool. "It's this evil hat, isn't it! It thinks it can trick Nepeta into hurting herself?" Nepeta took the hat off with one hand, and held the other claw up to it.

"G-GRYFFINDOR!" the hat shouted. The old hat lady then took the evil hat away from Nepeta before she could rip it apart. She jumped at it, trying to get it back.

"Please, Miss Leijon... Go sit at the Gryffindor table," the lady said, looking threatened. She pointed toward the table where Gamzee had sat.

Nepeta didn't entirely understand what was going on, but she did as told and went to sit over near Gamzee.]
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